The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) Review, Or: The Bloody Birth of Platinum Dunes

Here we are at the beginning of our Platinum Dunes marathon, leading up to April’s month-long Wes Craven coverage, in turn leading up to my April 30th review of the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Here we have the first film produced by Platinum Dunes: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the 2003 Marcus Nispel-directed horror flick based on the 1974 classic.  As it will be with all further entries spread over the next few months, I’ve already gone over the original film and it’s sequels, and now it’s time to get into the remake.  Is it good?  Is it bad?  Does it strike fear into our pitiful hearts or does it suck the paint off a Cadillac?  Let’s dig in and find out…

Following Erin (Jessica Biel) and her boyfriend Kemper (Eric Balfour), along with their friends Morgan (Jonathan Tucker), Pepper (Erica Leerhsen) and Andy (Mike Vogel), we’re treated to the group of youth’s feelings on Lynyrd Skynyrd and Mexico before they pick up a lone, mildly fucked up hitchhiker (Lauren German).  The girl is scared and confused, and freaks out when she realizes where the group is driving, promptly pulling a gun out of her vag and killing herself.  This catalyst introduces us to the villainous Sheriff Hoyt (R. Lee Ermy) and his chainsaw-rockin’ kin Thomas, aka Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski).

It’s unfortunate that Scott Kosar’s screenplay ditches the simplicity of the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  You would think that the man behind Christian Bale’s lack of love handles in The Machinist would recognize the importance of the original’s basic character models and the emphasis placed on family.  Here we have none of that, with mostly stereotypical leads and almost no mention of the family unit outside of a few uses of “mama” and “Junior”.  However, as my general stance on the matter is that the remake is fully allowed to rid itself of the original’s story elements, these sorts of critiques must be put aside.  After all, without it’s remake status, this is just a horror movie, and stereotypical characters in a story about as deep as a puddle come with the territory.

The performances in TCM are nothing special, save for our principal antagonist Sheriff Hoyt.  Ermy’s performance is absolutely delightful while adding a new name to the Horror Villain Lexicon.  His psychotic redneck demeanor is spot-on, making him both amusing and highly threatening.  Aside from his part in Full Metal Jacket (and MAYBE Toy Story), I’d dare say this is the role he was born to play.

Now, the obvious question here is why I didn’t pick Bryniarski’s take on Leatherface as one of the standout performances and I’m sorry to say that it’s because he simply wasn’t… interesting.  In the previous films he was smartly given a very sympathetic demeanor, treated and mostly acting like a child, with a subservient attitude highlighted by his murderous behavior.  When he needed to be scary, he was scary (for the most part) and when he needed to be a fun character, he brought the goods.  Here, he’s used as the main antagonist but is played with no real character outside of “KILL!  BUTCHER!  KILL!”, and even then he fails to hold an especially good deal of menace.  Nice mask, though.

Meanwhile, the protagonists of the piece are seemingly there just to anchor the film in mediocrity.  Jessica Biel is alright, but her fellow cast members play such poorly written characters that I actually feel sort of sorry for the actors.  It’s not their fault that they’re written as mostly superficial, drug-smuggling morons.  Even the revelation that Kemper planned to propose feels like a cheap jab at the audience’s emotions, ironically making his death (oops, spoiler) all the more unemotional.

Another element stripped from the film that it could sorely use is the cannibalism angle, which isn’t even mentioned.  Taking away this crucial element while adding boring subplots, such as a kidnapped baby and the attempted deep romantic conflicts, is what ultimately turns TCM into a so-so effort.  R. Lee Ermy and a lot of gore can only go so far.

That being said, this is an entertaining film that by and large succeeds in it’s own way.  The cinematography by the original’s Danial Pearl is suitable enough, though it doesn’t feature the grainy realism associated with the 1974 film.  The use of light to achieve the feel of hot rural Texas and dark, filthy locations is done with absolute professionalism that should suffice for any casual viewer.  Likewise, the violence that the original lacked is excellently shot here, with gore and a hectic atmosphere intertwined admirably.  Also, there isn’t any of the usual flash and speed of most Michael Bay productions, which is probably why this is still the usual fan favorite out of all of Platinum Dunes’ films.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ‘03 isn’t a landmark achievement, but it isn’t a horrible remake either.  It fails to live up to the original, but succeeds in being a nicely polished hillbilly attack film.  A commanding performance by R. Lee Ermy and capably filmed scenes of brutal horror violence make it much more watchable than most films of that ilk, but they are sadly hampered by a needlessly convoluted, forgettable plot populated by wholly uninteresting, sometimes even unlikable characters.

Hopefully saying that won’t afford me the same fate as Harry J. Knowles…

6/10