I’ll tell you how:  a lack of balls.   Making Freddy Krueger a pedophile rather than just a child killer was an inspired move, but that’s all it was.  The idea of Freddy being a real monster who the audience can’t completely sympathize with was bold, but with such a high-end, dirty concept the filmmakers were tasked with actually following through.  While having the finger-wielding killer make crude sexual remarks (”Fuck you!”  “Sound’s like fun…”) was certainly one part of the great pedophile puzzle, and the near-rape of one of the teens in her childhood dress was also quite shocking, I can’t help but imagine it could have gotten more personal, and thereby much darker.

You see, part of having balls in horror film making is using your logic to spread out all of that man-juice so as to create a captivating experience.  Without that logic, your balls become fleshy deflated pools of their former selves.  While the filmmakers brought a few great moments (all of which involve Freddy), they don’t seem to understand how to properly expand those moments to encompass the film.

Case in point:  in the original Nightmare, the filmmakers weren’t afraid to mix their genres, like any smart person in their position would do.  At Tina’s sleepover, Johnny Depp’s character Glen tries to fake out his mom over the phone by using sound effects on a cassette to prove he’s at a relative’s house.  When the plan backfires and all sorts of audio chaos ensues, we have a truly funny, human moment that makes Glen a real, likable character.  Obviously, there was some possibility that this could backfire in Craven’s face and unintentionally damage the atmosphere of the film, but it doesn’t.  With the remake, nothing of this sort happens.  From the very beginning, everything is dead serious, and outside of a few quintessential Freddy one-liners, nothing remotely humorous ever happens.

“But Mr. Tranny,” you say, “Isn’t a serious atmosphere what you wanted?”  Yes, it is, but part of creating a serious film is to make it believable.  Part of reality is that funny things happen, it’s not always a somber bore (see Shawshank Redemption for great examples of humor and quirkiness enhancing drama).  Sure, slapstick comedy can ruin a film, but it’s worth the risk to create three-dimensional characters the viewer can relate to.    I was upset when Glen died in the original (oh, spoiler, right), but whenever the teenagers who die in this film get it, I wasn’t even somewhat unsettled.  That’s not good horror, nor does it show any sort of balls.  It shows shameless stupidity.

Now, all of that being said, you may think I hate this film.  I don’t.  It’s not a bad movie, just a misguided, mildly forgettable one.  The acting is just OK, outside of creepy, gravelly-voiced Jackie Earle Haley and the Kurgan himself, Clancy Brown, who plays Glen-substitute Quentin’s conspirator father.  Thomas Dekker as Rod-substitute Jesse Braun was also not too bad, but his limited screen time works against him just a tad.  What’s the problem with these standouts though?  None of them is the fucking protagonist.

Rooney Mara is just plain dull as Nancy.  I never thought I would yearn for the acting talents of Heather Langenkamp, but boy howdy did I miss her.  While Mara is definitely more attractive and thankfully not an annoying actress, she has a sort of bored Kristen Stewart vibe, minus the minute-long pauses.  She’s not unlikable per se, but she comes damn close up until the last few minutes, at which point her bored demeanor has gotten to the point that any emotion causes a rise from the viewer.

As I said however, the movie isn’t bad.  Samuel Bayer’s direction is much like producer Michael Bay’s, in that it is very nice to look at and fits the mood spectacularly, but unfortunately it is only capable from a technical standpoint.  The actors seem to have been let loose to do as they please without any creative input.  Unfortunately, Bay has actors like Will Smith and Ed Harris, whereas Bayer is given young faces with little to no experience.  As a director myself, I can see where his problem lies.

The script is another hindering factor and quite possibly the biggest.  Instead of utilizing a longer run time and allowing exploration of both the teen characters and Freddy’s exceptionally intriguing back story, the script is packed with monotonous jump scares and unnecessary callbacks to the original, with the “Is Freddy guilty or innocent?” subplot thrown into the backseat to whine and moan for about ten minutes before being let out at the nearest bus stop.  The bathtub scene and the Freddy-in-the-wall scene, among others, are not only poorly done, but also add nothing to either the scares or the story.

My biggest complaint next to the complete lack of character development however, is the lack of any real dreams.  Sure, the characters are constantly falling asleep and having those ridiculous micro-naps, but the dreams are never particularly interesting or dream-like. They take place in hallways and classrooms and bedrooms, and are rarely altered physically to create any sort of surreal horror like the original films.  At one point, the protagonist hides in a goddamn closet!  In her dream!  Talk about a missed opportunity.

Somehow, despite these massive flaws, I was still entertained.  Everything that made the originals great outside of Freddy was missing, yet I still found myself entertained for the most part.  Character dynamics, such as those between Nancy and her father (who is completely erased from this version) and Nancy and her mother are absent, but watching teenagers get killed by a burnt madman is as fun as ever, and the new pedophile angle is extremely interesting, even if it’s never given the story time it deserves.

5.5/10

Between the phenomenal trailer and the questionable talent involved (Johnston’s best credit being The Rocketeer), I found myself with a torn opinion about the likelihood of the remake of 1941’s The Wolf Man being any more than “meh” worthy.  I had been deceived by quality trailers before (oh god, Halloween II, oh god), and Johnston was by no means a favorite.  The writing team seemed adequate, but their respective careers were simply too spotty to give an adequate opinion, since it is my belief that the man who writes both Road to Perdition and the remake of The Haunting can not be trusted.  However, with the inclusion of makeup FX extraordinaire Rick Baker I knew that at very least I would be in for a visual treat.  Was I right?  Yes…  yes I was.

Baker nailed the wolf man makeup perfectly and easily improved on his predecessor’s designs.  Gone is the ridiculous Jew-fro of Lon Chaney Jr.’s hairy alter ego, while the clothing aspect that most other films of this ilk dismiss remains intact, giving us fans just the right amount of authenticity, cheese, and creepiness that we asked for, or at least I did.  The almost 100% CGI transformation scenes were also handled fairly well, though I would have much preferred a call-back to Baker’s early accomplishments in An American Werewolf in London, but ce la vie.  Modern Hollywood film making dictates that such things must be done with computers, and so if it must be done, let it be done well.

The next most important aspect is a worthy successor to Chaney, who was by and large the most memorable aspect of the original film.  His performance had a warm subtlety to it that made us as an audience pine for his release from the curse that would eventually take his life, and while I can’t help but miss his somewhat misogynistic antics, his replacement is more than adequate.  Benicio Del Toro as Lawrence Talbot is fantastic, in that his performance takes Chaney’s subtlety and brings in his own odd flavoring, mainly to account for his character’s rewritten status as a former mental patient.  As the Wolf Man, he is suitably ferocious and strangely vulnerable at some points, without sacrificing any badassery, even if there is some to spare.

Anthony Hopkins (who’s gotten faaaaaaaat) succeeds as the head of the supporting cast, playing the villainous father to Talbot.  While I could technically compare his performance to Claude Rains’ original role, it’s such a totally different character (the only similarity being a similar whoop-ass-via-cane bit) that it is almost unfair.  I enjoyed both equally, but Rains played a kind and caring father with a somewhat harsh idea for a cure, while Hopkins is just plain mean.  At times he’s humorous and other times he seems almost fatherly, but he’s really just mean.  Big ol’ meanie pants, that’s him.

The slightly more complex antagonist, Abberline, is played by Hugo Weaving, who basically takes the best aspects of V and Agent Smith and mixes them into a pot of kickass stew.  His Scotland Yard detective is so cool, charismatic and eloquently flawed that it’s sort of a shame he isn’t the hero of the piece.  In relation to the original, he’s basically a substitute for the douchey fiancee character, except he’s badass and worked on the Jack the Ripper case…  so yeah, it’s a pretty small connection.  Meanwhile, Emily Blunt is a more than suitable love interest, though her character’s inclusion feels much more contrived than in the original.

Here lies the problem unfortunately:  the script.  Written by Andrew Kevin Walker and David Self, it’s basically a lycanthrope-centric Sleepy Hollow without Tim Burton, and since the biggest flaw with that film was its convoluted plot, go figure that it would be the same here.  Considering that Self wrote Sleepy Hollow, this isn’t a huge surprise.  Rather than the brisk “oh shit gypsy werewolf bit me!” plot of the original, here we have a whole pseudo-surrealistic mystery about the murder of Ben Talbot, as well as Lawrence’s past and their mom and yadda yadda yadda.  None of it is the least bit compelling, nor is the identity of the werewolf a very well kept secret.  Once the Bela character from the original didn’t show up, I made a mental note of who the killer had to be.  Go fig, I was right.  Dear Mr. Self, recreating a story by giving it a complicated, dream-filled storyline isn’t a surefire solution, so stop.

With that whopper of negativity out of the way, I’d like to take a U-turn back to Mr. Baker by saying that despite the piss-poor story, this is by no means a bad movie… it’s just a B-movie.  It may not have the subtle paint strokes of plot that made flicks like Bad Moon and Ginger Snaps special, but it easily buys its way into my heart with a plethora of nifty kill scenes.  Johnston’s creepy direction and excellent Gothic atmosphere give us more than enough eye candy in-between the gore, which is a riot and a half, with decapitations, burning, gutting, dismemberment, and impalement all spread throughout what is the pure awesomeness of the mostly practical violence.

The Wolfman:  proving that all a good horror movie needs is buckets of red stuff.

6.5/10

In 1969, in the middle of the Vietnam War, brothers Dean (Taylor Handley) and Eric (Matthew Bomer) make their way across Texas with girlfriends Chrissie (Jordanna Brewster) and Bailey (Diora Baird) on one last road trip before they leave for military duty.  Eric, who has already finished one tour of ‘Nam, is proud of his brother for being brave and fighting for his country.  All is not as it seems however, and as Dean makes to burn his draft card, the group’s jeep crashes, sending Chrissie into the nearby bushes while the rest are picked up by none other than Sheriff Hoyt (R. Lee Ermy).  So begins an origin story of torture and bloodshed, introducing us to Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski) and his (finally) cannibalistic family.

None of that, aside from the cannibalism, is what you’ll care about of course.  Rather the Beginning part of the title is what you’ll find most interesting, as it focuses on Sheriff Hoyt’s becoming Sheriff Hoyt, how Uncle Monty (Terrence Evans) lost his legs, and how Leatherface got his… leather face.  We also witness Leatherface’s birth and some of the more amusing moments in the Platinum Dunes Chainsaw films, which elevate this film from a vaguely entertaining retread of the first remake to a charmingly kitsch slice of exploitative gore.

As far as the technical qualities go, despite the replacement of the original’s director of photography Daniel Pearl with relatively unknown Lukas Ettlin, the cinematography still looks damn good and is altogether beautifully composed.  Meanwhile, the music is pretty standard stuff, light years away from the brilliance of the original’s easily but often not imitated industrial score.  It consists mostly of ambient noise and a few strings-based sections, but nothing especially memorable or fancy.  Fortunately, the composition of the of picture far outweighs the dull nature of the soundtrack.

Unfortunately, Ettlin’s ability to capture the ridiculously gory mayhem with gusto isn’t enough to help the film’s biggest flaw:  the writing.  Much like the previous entry, the characters are altogether uninteresting outside of Sheriff Hoyt, though at least in this case they’re likable.  Leatherface is also given a bit more of his old child-like nature, though Bryniarski’s performance mostly just feels like too little too late.  Good try, though.  The story is just a retread with some prequel elements thrown in, so while it may have some memorable lines (”Damn, I just killed the entire police department!”) and a few fun scenes (A FUCKING DINNER SCENE!  FINALLY!), there’s not much to surprise you, so if you go in expecting nothing but the first remake with a more fun atmosphere, this should please you.  If you want something hearkening back to the first movie or the original sequel, this might be a bit too bland.

Liebesman manages pretty well, despite Sheldon Turner’s dull script (surprisingly, he went on to write this year’s Up in the Air with Jason Reitman).  The scenes of violence are easily the most well executed since Part 2, and some of them are even dramatically engaging, most prominently the push-up scene.  Likewise, the general atmosphere is handled with absolute professionalism, and I like that he was allowed to inject some of the humor that the remake was so sadly missing.

The Beginning is recommended to fans of the TCM series and B-movie enthusiasts.  Snobs beware, as you’ll probably come out somewhat peeved, as you are wont to do.

6.5/10

Following Erin (Jessica Biel) and her boyfriend Kemper (Eric Balfour), along with their friends Morgan (Jonathan Tucker), Pepper (Erica Leerhsen) and Andy (Mike Vogel), we’re treated to the group of youth’s feelings on Lynyrd Skynyrd and Mexico before they pick up a lone, mildly fucked up hitchhiker (Lauren German).  The girl is scared and confused, and freaks out when she realizes where the group is driving, promptly pulling a gun out of her vag and killing herself.  This catalyst introduces us to the villainous Sheriff Hoyt (R. Lee Ermy) and his chainsaw-rockin’ kin Thomas, aka Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski).

It’s unfortunate that Scott Kosar’s screenplay ditches the simplicity of the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  You would think that the man behind Christian Bale’s lack of love handles in The Machinist would recognize the importance of the original’s basic character models and the emphasis placed on family.  Here we have none of that, with mostly stereotypical leads and almost no mention of the family unit outside of a few uses of “mama” and “Junior”.  However, as my general stance on the matter is that the remake is fully allowed to rid itself of the original’s story elements, these sorts of critiques must be put aside.  After all, without it’s remake status, this is just a horror movie, and stereotypical characters in a story about as deep as a puddle come with the territory.

The performances in TCM are nothing special, save for our principal antagonist Sheriff Hoyt.  Ermy’s performance is absolutely delightful while adding a new name to the Horror Villain Lexicon.  His psychotic redneck demeanor is spot-on, making him both amusing and highly threatening.  Aside from his part in Full Metal Jacket (and MAYBE Toy Story), I’d dare say this is the role he was born to play.

Now, the obvious question here is why I didn’t pick Bryniarski’s take on Leatherface as one of the standout performances and I’m sorry to say that it’s because he simply wasn’t… interesting.  In the previous films he was smartly given a very sympathetic demeanor, treated and mostly acting like a child, with a subservient attitude highlighted by his murderous behavior.  When he needed to be scary, he was scary (for the most part) and when he needed to be a fun character, he brought the goods.  Here, he’s used as the main antagonist but is played with no real character outside of “KILL!  BUTCHER!  KILL!”, and even then he fails to hold an especially good deal of menace.  Nice mask, though.

Meanwhile, the protagonists of the piece are seemingly there just to anchor the film in mediocrity.  Jessica Biel is alright, but her fellow cast members play such poorly written characters that I actually feel sort of sorry for the actors.  It’s not their fault that they’re written as mostly superficial, drug-smuggling morons.  Even the revelation that Kemper planned to propose feels like a cheap jab at the audience’s emotions, ironically making his death (oops, spoiler) all the more unemotional.

Another element stripped from the film that it could sorely use is the cannibalism angle, which isn’t even mentioned.  Taking away this crucial element while adding boring subplots, such as a kidnapped baby and the attempted deep romantic conflicts, is what ultimately turns TCM into a so-so effort.  R. Lee Ermy and a lot of gore can only go so far.

That being said, this is an entertaining film that by and large succeeds in it’s own way.  The cinematography by the original’s Danial Pearl is suitable enough, though it doesn’t feature the grainy realism associated with the 1974 film.  The use of light to achieve the feel of hot rural Texas and dark, filthy locations is done with absolute professionalism that should suffice for any casual viewer.  Likewise, the violence that the original lacked is excellently shot here, with gore and a hectic atmosphere intertwined admirably.  Also, there isn’t any of the usual flash and speed of most Michael Bay productions, which is probably why this is still the usual fan favorite out of all of Platinum Dunes’ films.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ‘03 isn’t a landmark achievement, but it isn’t a horrible remake either.  It fails to live up to the original, but succeeds in being a nicely polished hillbilly attack film.  A commanding performance by R. Lee Ermy and capably filmed scenes of brutal horror violence make it much more watchable than most films of that ilk, but they are sadly hampered by a needlessly convoluted, forgettable plot populated by wholly uninteresting, sometimes even unlikable characters.

Hopefully saying that won’t afford me the same fate as Harry J. Knowles…

6/10

Beginning with a high school prom night somewhere in Texas, the film introduces protagonists Jenny (Renee Zellwegger), Heather (Lisa Newmyer), Sean (John Harrison), and Barry (Tyler Cone), who are all thoroughly unlikable. After an… odd… reaction to Barry cheating on her, Heather drives off with him away from prom, along with Jenny and Sean who sneak into the backseat… for some reason. Eventually they get into a car accident in the backwoods that appear to be about five minutes away, cuing the possibly cannibalistic, possibly related psychotic family living there. What follows is, well, confusing.

Why Henkel decided to add a secret, possibly government-oriented organization to the simplicity of the first film is beyond me. Suffice it to say that none of the film really makes any sense, whether it be in simple characterization or the *shudder* plot. If the group of antagonists were just remorseless killers, it might have all come off as a regular TCM sequel, but this is something much more, which requires some explanation.

From what I understand, Henkel wanted this to be the true sequel to TCM, even though the opening text appears to reference the previous two. As such, some characters were originally meant to return. Obviously Leatherface (Robert Jacks) is back, with more emphasis placed this time around on his transvestite tendencies (woo-hoo!). Where it gets confusing is the addition of Vilmer (Matthew McConaughey) and W.E. (Joe Stevens), who were apparently supposed to be the Hitchhiker and Cook characters. The most obvious problem with this is that they don’t look or act, for the most part, like their old selves. Vilmer cuts himself and acts like a nutball, sure, but he’s not really much like the Hitchhiker at all in any other respect. Heck, he even has a girlfriend in the form of crazed real estate agent Darla (Tonie Perensky), who he’s possibly brainwashed into believing he has more control than he really does.

Well, you’re saying to yourself, obviously that’s just what Mr. Henkel wanted originally, and changed it for the final product. In that case, why are there references to the characters kept in the script? At one point, W.E. refers to Vilmer having been shot and run over without dying. This of course would infer that the Hitchhiker didn’t die from being run over at the end of TCM and became Vilmer. Or something. This is all speculation, but it seems odd that there are so many references to the original (the opening text, old lady mask, hook-in-back, freezer box, etc.), and yet the the scenario and characters are so very different.

Speaking of characters, the acting in this flick is atrocious. Zellwegger’s performance makes me yearn for Bridget Jones’ Diary, while all of her friends are so mindlessly stupid that the whole atmosphere becomes that of a parody. Even with the deleted scenes of Jenny dealing with her abusive father edited back in, I can’t imagine it could save the rest of the characters’ dialogue and actions. In fact, I’m hard-pressed to decide if Henkel fucked up as a director or a writer. Was he going for comedy? Horror? A smooth mixture of both? Was this all simply a retitled sequel to Forbidden Zone? I have no clue.

All of that being said, this is a damn entertaining film. Where it fails in acting, direction, writing, and general atmosphere it more than makes up for in it’s nut ball approach to the subject matter. There’s the secret organization experimenting in horror, the complete lack of an actual chainsaw-related death, Vilmer’s battery-powered leg, and the use of a random crop duster to dispatch of one of the villains. We are also treated to Super Tranny Leatherface (STL), who is surprisingly delightful in the feminine characteristics he takes on, which are similar to the grandmother mask’s effects from the first film.

Also, what’s up with the random Marilyn Burns, Paul Partain, and John Dugan cameos at the end? They serve no purpose but to entice long-term fans into liking the film while confusing anybody unfortunate enough to not recognize the fucking people. And guess what? It just adds to the almost profound weirdness of the film! Their addition creates so many questions about what we’ve just witnessed that it feels almost mythical in it’s retardation. Being off-the-wall batty actually HELPS this film!

If you’re looking for a straight sequel to TCM… well, what the fuck are you still doing watching this series? If you want to watch one of the craziest sequels in film history, check this sucker out.

6/10 (Because sometimes too much shit is a good thing.)

TCM III centers on Michelle (Kate Hodge) and Ryan (William Butler), a couple driving from California to Florida to deliver an old car.  As they pass through Texas, they come across a gas station, where they meet charming hitchhiker Tex (Viggo Mortensen) and creepy gas station attendant Alfredo (Tom Everett).  After  he’s caught watching Michelle using the bathroom by Tex, Alfredo goes berserk and attacks them all with a shotgun.  Michelle and Ryan escape while Tex draws Fredo’s fire, following a route suggested by Tex.  After a series of attacks, including one from Leatherface (R.A. Mihailoff), the two end up in an accident along with survivalist Benny (Ken Foree), and the trio find themselves hunted by a new family of cannibalistic psychopaths.

Remember the tense build-up of the original TCM, and the well-executed black humor and gore of the second?  Expect neither from this poorly executed mess of an installment.  Here we have what appears to be a meaningless cash-in, of which even Mr. Burr (who apparently tried to get his name taken off as director) thought little of.  It’s production history is one of unnecessary crippling by the studio and MPAA, which sadly effects the final product far too much to be ignored.

Before I go on, I should note that the copy I got a hold of is the R-rated theatrical cut, without the apparently ample gore and extra Viggo of the original unrated cut.  As much as I’d like to review that version, this is what I’ve got and if the original 1974 flick can make it without any gore, this one should be able to as well.  Unfortunately, it really can’t.

The first problem is the script, which is absolute bollocks.  The film starts out with a poorly narrated opening text that explains how Sally Hardesty has recently died and the entire Sawyer clan, including the supposed real identity of Leatherface, has been captured and killed.  Unfortunately, none of this really matters to the story, aside from Leatherface shacking up with a new family.  Leatherface has a leg brace now, inferring that TCM2 never happened, which explains why he’s alive while spitting in the face of fans.

After the opening text, all of the characters’ dialogue is exposition mixed with a steady stream of foreboding, by which we learn in the first ten minutes everything we need to or will know about the two main characters.  After that the action begins, with the main plot in full swing by the twenty minute mark.  Goodbye tension.

The characters are mostly boring and thoroughly unlikable, aside from Benny and a few of the villainous family members.  Benny of course has the benefit of being played by Ken Foree, who is automatically both badass and likable.  The family meanwhile is the only other real strongpoint, as none of them are especially forgettable.  We have Mortensen’s Tex, Everett’s Alfredo, Joe Unger as Tinker, and Miriam Byrd-Nethery as Mama Sawyer as our fun villains, though Mama’s screen time is unfortunately rather limited.  Everett, who is derivative of the original’s Hitchhiker, really steals the show with his wacky performance.

On the negative side of things, Leatherface is incredibly boring in this installment, his only engaging scene coming in near the end when he’s in the kitchen interacting with Tinker and his apparent daughter, played by Jennifer Banko.

That’s right boys and girls, Leatherface went and had himself a kid, which you won’t even realize if you don’t pay attention to the dialogue.  One would think that, being a movie called Leatherface, it would focus more on the titular character.  Such is not so, since aside from the aforementioned kitchen scene and a brief part where he’s (hilariously) trying to learn his spelling, it’s just the generic hack-and-slash formula.  We don’t learn jack shit about his character aside from the fact that his plumbing works.

So, we’ve got a boring story, boring protagonists (Foree aside), no real gore, and about as much tension as a soggy pile of rope.  While the villains make it pretty entertaining, and Leatherface having a Walkman is funny, this simply doesn’t feel like much more than half of a TCM movie, and that’s pushing it.  Maybe I’d be happier if I saw the uncut version,  but until then I consider this a huge letdown of Texas-sized proportions.

5/10

With that overlong intro out of the way, the film starts off with two numbskull college boys speeding through Texas on the way to a party in Dallas, one speeding and the other shooting road signs with a revolver.  The two call in to a local radio station run by Stretch (Caroline Williams), who for some reason can’t get off the line with the boys until they hang up.  Her assistant L.G. (Lou Perryman) can’t do a thing to get rid of the pair, which is unfortunate on account of Leatherface (Bill Johnson) showing up in the back of a pickup and chainsawing the two frat boys to death while they’re still driving, on live radio!  Seeing this as a possible career advancement, Stretch brings the tape to Lieutenant “Lefty” Enright (Dennis Hopper), who eventually concedes and has Stetch play the tape on the air.  This lures in Leatherface, brother Chop Top (Bill Moseley), and the Cook (Jim Siedow), who’s become quite the BBQ sensation under the name Drayton Sawyer.

This is not a landmark film, nor is it a frightening film.  Much like Eaten Alive and The Funhouse, this is more gore than horror.  Luckily for Hooper, it was filmed in 1986 and thereby has that distinct trashy ’80s horror feel beloved by gorehounds worldwide, which ends up being it’s biggest benefactor, along with the aforementioned gore courtesy Tom Savini.  Neon lights and 100% handmade, over-the-top gore are prevalent throughout TCM2, and even though some might say it betrays the feel of the original, it works in it’s own weird, fun way.  In no way should this film frighten anyone over the age of twelve, but it’s entertainment value soars so high as to make that irrelevant.

Another chunk of the film’s appeal relies on the cast, which includes a crazed performance (aren’t they all?) by Dennis Hopper and a wildly entertaining and creepy Bill Moseley, whose Chop Top is easily in my top ten favorite horror villains.  His ‘Nam vet/hippie mentality and generally unnerving bipolar outbursts are a hoot and a holler, and if he was only given more screen time (such as with the awesome but shit quality deleted scenes) he would probably be just as quotable as Chucky and Freddy Krueger combined.  Meanwhile, Caroline Williams makes about as fine a heroine as Moseley makes a villain, but is most memorable for those miles and miles of legs.  When the charmingly innocent mass murderer Leatherface starts to rhythmically thrust his chainsaw against her hoo-ha after a glimpse at those stems, you can’t help but totally feel for the guy.  You’d want a piece of that too.

Speaking of Leatherface, Bill Johnson isn’t half bad in the role.  He’s no Gunnar Hansen, but he’s got certain nervous child vibe going that, while less sinister than his predecessor, makes him thoroughly likable.  Unfortunately, I have to agree with some critics (specifically James Rolfe) that his dance is a tad bit ridiculous and occurs far too often throughout the film.  We get it, you can boogie down, now kill something.

Of course, it isn’t a Tobe Hooper-directed TCM without Jim Siedow, here in his final film role.  He’s aged like shit on the side of a tree, but he still has that weird, somewhat shy psychotic charm that I loved so much in the first film.  Here we have the BBQ angle expanded on, with Drayton Sawyer experiencing some fame as the best BBQ cook in Texas, thanks to a handy little secret family recipe.  Hint:  it’s people.  The man’s a delight to watch, and it’s too bad he wasn’t around to lighten up some of the drab characterization of the sequels.

And… well, that’s all she wrote I suppose.  There isn’t a whole lot to discuss with this simple little achievement, aside from it’s fun black humor and entertaining characters.  Don’t go in expecting anything too serious and you should come out pleased.  Unless you’re some kind of asshole, of course.

7/10

Taking place on August 18th, 1973 in rural South Texas, this “true story” follows young Sally Hardesty (Marylin Burns) and her brother Franklin (Paul A. Partain), who are on a road trip with their friends Pam (Teri McMinn), Kirk (William Vail) and Jerry (Allen Danziger). While in search of the Hardestys’ dad’s old house, the group encounters a demented hitchhiker (Edwin Neal) and, after finally arriving at their destination, proceed to wander around the area, meeting their grisly fates at the hands of Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) and his family of cannibals.

Raw and generally unnerving, TCM is by and large a disturbing piece of work, despite it’s age. The build-up is slow and might turn off some, but once the hammer comes down on the first victim, the monotony begins to unravel and the action ramps up to the chilling dinner scene finale. This old fashioned form of horror pacing shows exactly what worked with the classics of the genre, and what is wrong with most modern works: gore over suspense. While gore films do indeed have their place, if the purpose of the film is to scare then the editing and camerawork are much more important than torn out hearts and blown up heads. In this instance, Hooper was smart enough to show as little blood as possible in the killings. The one chainsaw death in the film only features a few spatters, as it’s filmed from behind the victim and avoids all on-screen penetration.

Another aspect to the film that’s sadly missing from the cinema of today is believable characterization. You won’t find any pop culture references or catch phrases here, nor is there an abundance of cursing or crude dialogue. Instead, Pam spends the majority of the time reading horoscopes while Franklin complains about the heat. I can’t actually remember any of the other conversations during the road trip portion, which is actually quite nice, since all of the characters feel natural without any ridiculous dialogue to muddle things up. This isn’t to say some distinctive dialogue isn’t welcomed, since I wasn’t very attached to any of them in the end, but better to have a complete absence than to over do it.

The young actors do a fine job at being normal, though there’s no real standouts. Marylin Burns and Paul A. Partain are the most memorable out of the central group, mainly on account of Burns’ horrific scenes with the cannibalistic family and Partain’s mostly dickish demeanor. Franklin is quite possibly the most irritating character I’ve ever encountered, and it’s mostly thanks to Partain’s whiny drawl. On the antagonist front, I love Leatherface running around the house, silently crying “Where the fuck are all these teenagers coming from?!” He’s just adorable when he’s not viciously murdering cripples. The Hitchhiker (Edwin Neal), the first on-screen villain of the piece, is also delightfully whacked out of his gourd. If he’s not cutting himself and burning photographs, he’s jabbering on about killing cattle and being generally jittery.

Despite my love of the these two more popular baddies, the one who stood out most to me was the Old Man, aka the Cook (Jim Siedow). While the other two are simple murderous psychotics, the Cook is slightly more complex. He’s clearly insane, but to what degree? At one point he hassles the boys for torturing one character, but in a previous scene he was repeatedly poking her with a broom stick and taking great pleasure in doing so. The Cook acts shy about it, undoubtedly confused even in his later years about his sadism. He’s a fun, mostly unsung character.

As far as genre revolutionizing goes, TCM’s soundtrack is probably it’s most notable aspect. Wanting to use sound that was as raw as it’s photography, Hooper and Wayne Bell decided to record the noises heard in a slaughterhouse. Once placed in the soundtrack, the viewer is given a disturbing feeling as the scenes play out with this bizarre score. While the obvious reasoning for this is the blunt force of the sounds, the subconscious feeling is meant to be the sensation of being trapped inside of a slaughterhouse, in this case substituted with the cannibal family’s home. It’s an ingenious move, and is one of the few soundtracks that could actually work under the circumstances.

Taken for what it is, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is a great horror film. While the only part that warrants multiple views is the last fifteen odd minutes, the disturbing nature makes for a gripping and often unpleasant watch. If you call yourself a horror fan, watch it. If you don’t like horror films and are just in it for the gore, go rent something else.

8/10